The last few weeks brought their fair share of pain – both emotional and then physical. Family got under my skin on multiple occasions, feeding into increased feelings of anxiety. It definitely resurrected old feelings of inadequacy, embarrassment, and shame. Couple that with relationship struggles, there was an emotional void the size of the Grand Canyon brewing deep down in my soul. I knew it was there and tried my best to get it under control. Just like a tropical storm over the Atlantic Ocean in mid-September, it slowly picked up speed and power. The added stress of work and chronic insomnia evolved this into a full fledged hurricane.
I could only keep up the facade for so long. It finally caught up to me. As a result, my fibromyalgia flared up. When that happens, yours truly cannot get out of bed from the pain and fatigue. This was not good. Where over the last few weeks I could at least distract myself from my situation, I was stuck, like physically stuck. I now had a front row seat to my very own psychological production.
I simply laid there helpless and vulnerable. The sadness festered. I wanted to cry, but I could not bring myself to do it. Part of me hold back those little droplets from streaming down my cheeks. Deep down, I felt confused, lost, lonely. It felt like a black hole was pulling away bits of my soul from the inside out.
Over the next few days, my physical condition improved. With it, I could move around a little. I mustered up enough energy to get myself to my therapy appointment and doctor’s appointment. Therapy was the first place I finally got some of these thoughts off my chest. There were no major light bulbs going off during the session, but my therapist provided validation and a safe environment to vent. It was a start. After nurturing both forms of pain, I rested but by choice this time.
The next day I was talking to a friend. Somehow, we got on the topic of self-injury and depression (These topics would taboo for most of you non-therapist folk.). She talked about a quote her mother told her before she passed away.
“Hold on. Pain ends.”
Now, my friend was not aware of anything that I was dealing with that week, but somehow she knew I needed to hear that. Although it feels like it will never go away, the situation is always temporary. The thoughts and feelings would return to baseline. Normal (or as normal as life can be) would return. As long as I fought, the pain would subside.
Sure enough, I made it like I did a thousand times before. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.
-The Caring Counselor