I Kinda Get It

I apologize in advance if some of this post makes little sense or feels like rambling, but I felt it was the most appropriate time to write this. I am not in the clearest mind frame, and a soon-to-be sinus infection kicks my ass as we speak. However, I wanted to put this out there while I’m still in the trenches.

I am in the midst of a minor depressive episode. I feel like hiding away in my bed, isolating myself from everyone. Feelings of guilt and low self-worth ruminate constantly. Just last night, I fell asleep at five in the morning because my brain could not hot the off button. I cancelled my appointments today. I just could find the emotional strength to help others today when I could not even help myself. (I’m a mental health counselor for those of you who do not know.)

Without sharing too much personal detail, a few isolated incidents triggered it. In one, old feelings came up about a traumatic family relationship that I am still working through. Said family member reached out to me in desperation after a long history of lying to me. This left me in a situation questioning appropriate boundaries with them. With another person, I was duped into believing stories that were total lies, and this took place over several months. In a third situation, I unintentionally hurt someone.

Between these three incidents, I felt stupid, taken advantage of, and guilty. Naturally, this fed right into depression, my longtime arch nemesis of fifteen years.

I know deep down that I will be okay. My hope is that I get some sleep tonight and can work towards a resolution come the morning. That way I possess some mental clarity. However, it is not guaranteed, nor was that always the case. It took years of practice to get to this point.

I am not putting this out there for pity, for a sob story, or even for a few bucks. Shit, I do this for free and just to help others. What I want people to know is that you are not alone. Nobody is immune to this bullshit. For Christ’s sake, I’m a therapist with nearly ten years of experience. You would think I could give myself a session by looking in the mirror. However, I still have rough days like today. I constantly challenge my depression and anxiety. I use coping skills. I reach out for support. It is a long, drawn out war full of daily battles.

I know what I have to do when I wake up tomorrow. I already have in mind how to handle each of those separate situations. It is just a matter of following through. As hard as it gets, I can do it. You can too. We can do this together.

-The Caring Counselor