A Vicious Cycle

I simply felt unnerved. I was just on edge. My sleep schedule turned erratic either staring at the ceiling unable to fall asleep or waking up at odd hours in the early morning. When talking to friends, the conversation lacked depth. My outward emotion was incongruent with my inner turmoil. My feeling felt detached from the present moment.

I knew this feeling all too well. For the better part of two decades, I experienced chronic trauma. My well-being would not heal. When it tried, it got pummeled by the next event. What resulted from this vicious cycle was an anticipation anxiety. I always expected something bad to happen.

This anxiety worsened when things went well for me. Usually after a few weeks of stability, the feeling sank in. I grew so accustomed to terrible situations that I was unable to let myself be happy and enjoy what the present had to offer. Instead, I worried about the next terrifying tragedy on the horizon.

For the first time in a while, it happened. Life had been pretty good to me over course of a few weeks. I took a mini vacation. I spent time with friends and family. Work went smoothly. As much as I should be basking in life’s pleasures, it made me uneasy. I was not used to this. I thrived in chaos.

I waited for it. I knew it was coming. I knew it. It would pounce sooner or later. But that’s the thing. Of course, something bad was going to happen. Naturally, that is part of the balance. Eventually, my prophecy would be fulfilled. Nobody knew when or how, but at some point, my trauma response would be validated. Thus, my inner belief would continue.

Through self-exploration, I understand how my trauma affected me more and more. It left some deep, engrained marks on my heart and soul. This pattern being another by-product of it.

-The Caring Counselor

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