The disappointment is real. I already messed up my New Year’s Resolution to write a blog post every week. I missed last week. When you fall off track, you hop back on and pick up where you left off. However, I will say I missed last week for good reason.
I fell into a deep depression. To start things off, I experienced some odd health issues including migraines (literally could not look at my computer screen), chest aches, and serious fatigue (sleeping upwards of eighteen hours a day). I already took a ten-day antibiotic with no improvement. My rheumatologist sent me for blood work where all eight pages worth came back normal. Both my family doctor and rheumatologist had no clue what was going on. It felt like they just went ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I was fucking scared. Not even gonna lie. It felt like being diagnosed with fibromyalgia all over again. Five years ago, doctors could not figure out what the hell was wrong with me. I slept twelve hours a day, experienced pain in all parts of my body, and lugged my carcass around like a one-ton weight. All of my tests came back negative. Doctors saw nothing on my blood work and X-rays. They literally put me through every damn test before giving me the rule out diagnosis of fibromyalgia. I did not want to go through this again and with all new symptoms.
It just sucked to have all of these unknowns at play with my health and no answers from medical professionals that knew my history. They literally had no answers and simply told me to “sleep well.”
It really didn’t help that therapy over the last several weeks focused on the passing of my dad. If you have been following my blog at all, you already know how much he has been on my mind and how much I miss him. On the other hand, by talking about him, it sunk in how lonely I felt and the extent of acceptance I still had surrounding his death.
The concoction of my deteriorating mental and physical health guided me into a dark place. It had been some time since I visited this place. When I got there though, it was all too reminiscent. I wanted to give up. What was the point to keep going? Nobody cared about me. Why do I bother? My own body cannot keep up.
Another part of me desperately reached down to pull me out of this darkness. I wanted to talk to someone. I knew people cared and would listen. I had it in me to get through this. With my health, my body went through this before, and would be fine if I had to do it again.
It is honestly hard to realize these things once you enter that darkness. In a way, it made it more difficult because I was comfortable being there. However, a renovated mentality conflicted with this norm. It stirred the pot, causing frustration in its wake.
How did I get out of this clusterfuck of emotion? I started by talking about it. I felt alone. The best way to disprove myself was to open up to others. I spoke to a few close friends about what was going on. It felt nice just to get it out and not continually hold onto it. I brought it up to my therapist too for extra validation.
Then, I focused on getting back to the basics. Awareness was always key for me. I stayed in tune with my body on a moment-to-moment basis. That is how quickly these symptoms could come and go. I did what I could and checked in with myself throughout the day. Part of my basics was also sticking to a healthy diet and light exercise. It even included writing this post. Mainly, I put energy into the healthy coping skills rather than using that energy up by ruminating on the negative.
Now, I know I make it sound easy here, but it’s not. Pulling yourself from the darkness, feelings of hopelessness, and even passive suicidality is fucking hard. It’s part of the balance though. For all the darkness we experience, there will be an equal amount of light. Sometimes we just need a little help to pull back the blinds to see it.
-The Caring Counselor