This is just going to be one of those posts. I sat here in the middle of Starbucks for over a half hour staring at my phone rather than my laptop in an effort to avoid and procrastinate as much as possible. As a human being, I do not want to feel uncomfortable feelings. However, I know deep down that I need to confront this discomfort in order to make progress.
The week leading up to 6/20/21 have rested heavy on my heart and soul. This will be the first Father’s Day without my dad here in his corporeal form. He passed away on Halloween 2020, and going through the grieving process ever since has been a bitch. I miss the man every day. No doubt. This week amplified it though. I’d be lying if I said seeing advertisements everywhere and listening to everyone’s plans this coming Sunday did not bother me. It hits even harder when strangers or my clients ask me what I am doing with my dad this weekend and not knowing that he has passed.
He has overwhelmingly been sitting in the back of my mind this week. It hurts. It pains me to think about him. He played a huge part in my life. I literally talked to him every day even if it was just to shoot the shit. Knowing I can’t call him or shoot him a text even makes my heart hurt. Just this past week I think I had chest pains on three different occasions and a panic attack.
As on edge as I have been, I try to refocus my energy. I think about what he taught me. If it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t be half the man I am today. I know he was proud of me before he passed away. He always said it to me, and I know he would still be proud of who I am becoming as a young man. I learned how to treat people with kindness and make others laugh thanks to him. He taught me how to handle myself in a responsible manner and always pushed me to be the best version of myself.
I still hold onto the memories and experiences I shared with this great man. I remember him waiting in line with me for two hours in Disney World, so I could ride a silly Dumbo ride. I have pictures to prove it. I recall his ability to cook anything in the kitchen, being the amazing chef he was. He would let me help him sometimes by making the pizza or rolling up meatballs. I remember his ability to make his presence known at any gathering by leaving everyone rolling on the floor in laughter. I will always recall his kindness. He let complete strangers stay in his home, gave people rides, gave individuals his last dollar, or would sit back and listen if you needed an ear.
I miss him every fucking day. Again, as much as it hurts though, I will do my best to remain grateful for the time I had with him. I was lucky in that I did have three decades of my dad in my life. Some people never even get to meet their fathers. I know he is still here in a spiritual sense and that I will never lose the lessons and memories of him. If you have the chance this year though, call and wish whomever you call dad a “Happy Father’s Day.” Do not take that relationship for granted.
-The Caring Counselor